Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
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Order
A drunkard was brought to court. Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery. The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, "Order, order."
The drunkard immediately responded, "Thank you, you honor, I'll have a Scotch and soda."
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Q: How many men does it take to wallpaper a room?
A: About two - if they're thinly sliced.
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Cheating Husband
A lady come home and caught her husband in the act of cheating on her. The rural housewife went back to the back of the house and returned with the family's .22 caliber rifle.
Aiming the weapon at her husband's balls she said, "I'm gonna turn a bull into a steer, Jon!"
"No no!" pleaded Jon. "Not like this! C'mon, Judi, give me a sporting chance, darling!"
"All right. I will. You can set 'em to swinging . . ."
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Murphy's Laws on Computers
As soon as you delete a worthless file, you'll need it.
Installing a new program will always mess up at least one old one.
You can't win them all, but you sure can lose them all.
The likelihood of a hard disk crash is in direct proportion to the value of the material that hasn't been backed up.
There are only two kinds of computer users: Those whose hard disks have crashed and those whose hard disks haven't crashed *yet*.
Anything can be made to work if you fiddle with it. If you fiddle with something long enough, you'll break it.
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Sexual performance problem
A man comes to a doctor and, twitching his fingers and stuttering, finally manages to say, "Doctor, I have a sexual performance problem. Can you help me?"
"Oh, that's not a problem for us men anymore!" announces a proud physician, "They just came out with this new wonder drug that does the trick! You take some pills, and your problems are history."
So the doctor gives the man a prescription and sends him on his merry way.
A couple of months later, the doctor runs into his patient on the street.
"Doctor, Doctor!" exclaims the man excitedly, "I've got to thank you! This drug is a miracle! It's wonderful! I've had sex fourteen times in eight days!"
"Well, I'm glad to hear that" says the pleased physician, "What does your wife think about it?"
"Wife?" asks the man, "I haven't even been home yet!"
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Q: Why is marriage like the Army?
A: Everyone complains about it, but a surprising number re-enlist.
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